Slut Shaming, Victim Blaming, & Other Games No One Want to Play

This post doesn't involve fashion. It doesn't involve the story of a Netflix marathon and a bottle of wine. No selfies from Instagram will be posted.

Maybe this post won't interest you at all. But it should.

Back in the beginning of December, I took a webinar about the culture of slut shaming. It was so interesting and eye-opening. Lately, I felt like I've been lacking creativity to inspire a new blog post. To pass the time, I was watching a video of Laci Green on YouTube. If you don't know her, she's a super funny and inspiring vlogger who has a series called Sex+. She talks about body image, relationships, sex and sexuality, and other topics. I found out about her through that slut shaming webinar and, while watching her videos, I found myself becoming inspired and renewed in my passion.

I needed to share what I learned with others! Hence, the reason for this post.

What or who do you think of when you hear the word "slut"?

Even if you don't agree with this term and with how it is used in society, you are still part of the issue because of the connotations about who this word applies to in society.

"...a woman's body is regarded in our culture as the primary means of judging her worth as a person. While you and I may reject the use of physical standards as the measure of a person's value, we live in a society that generally does, and we cannot help but absorb messages that suggest to us that what we feel about our bodies is a reflection of who we are as people." - Matt Atkinson

Chances are you may have thought of someone who is sexually "promiscuous". Really, someone who has sex or expresses their sexuality in a way that you don't agree with. In reality, if all those negative associations with this word are eliminated, you basically have a person with multiple sexual partners.

Now: when a man has multiple sexual partners, how is he perceived in society?

As a macho, sexy dude who, yeah, maybe makes some dumb decisions, but, as Laci Green would say: HE'S A DUDE. DUDES MAKE BAD DECISIONS!

Bringing in the idea of "slut shaming", this is when "we insult a woman because she expresses her sexuality in a way that we don't like or approve of".

This can be based on two things: 1. our expectations of gender roles and how relationships look and 2. societal behaviors that are perceived to be related to sexuality (such as clothing, makeup, dancing, etc).

Bottom line: don't judge someone else's decisions because they are not decisions you would make for yourself.

Keeping up so far? If you are confused or have questions, just ask!

One of these behaviors I was talking about is how women dress. Society says that some women dress "provocatively". AKA dressing to provoke someone. But isn't there a chance that maybe they are just wearing what they like or feel comfortable wearing?

This is kind of where the lines can start to blur with slut shaming and victim blaming. Because there is a fine line separating these two issues and so often in society, these lines are crossed.

When you say "This girl is dressing so provocatively. What a slut. She was just waiting to be taken advantage of.", that is victim blaming. You are saying that the reason this girl became a victim and was assaulted is because she was acting/dressing/being slutty.

Bringing a current event from this past summer into the discussion, a 13 year old (now 14) was raped by a 17 year old in the small town of Elwood, Indiana. Not only did this girl have to deal with the pain of being sexually assaulted, but she became pregnant by her rapist. She eventually chose to give birth to the baby and then, what makes this story even more horrific, is the people of Elwood started harassing her. They spray painted the words 'whore' and 'slut' on her front door. She was shamed for being pregnant by her rapist and keeping the baby. People assumed that since she was keeping the baby, that she must have wanted it, she must be promiscuous. A 13 year old girl who was raped. You guys, I can't even fathom this and it makes me so angry that as a society, we are so quick to throw judgement and hate on people without knowing their story. And don't even get me started on Former U.S. Representative for Missouri Todd Akin. Have you heard about his rant about "legitimate rape victims"? He said:

"From what I understand from doctors, that's really rare [pregnancy caused by rape]. If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

Excuse me?! I'm not even going to begin to go down that rabbit hole because I have more to say on other issues below and I don't want this post to become a 483 page novel.

I will say though, if you are interested in reading more about the body's response to sexual assault/rape and what actually happens/can happen (which, news flash, is not the body "shutting down" and preventing pregnancy), I highly recommend this article. It is a sensitive subject that could make one uncomfortable or be a trigger for survivors, however.

 

Okay, so I'm sure you all know who Jenna Marbles is, right? Her videos have literally millions of views. One of her videos is titled "Things I Don't Understand About Girls Part 2: Slut Edition".

LANGUAGE WARNING!

In it, Jenna basically is saying that girls who have one night stands are "sluts" and are setting themselves up for rape and sexual assault. Now, she did touch on helping others who you see that are in possible vulnerable positions. GREAT! But she then says that we need to "help the sluts of the world make less bad, less slutty decisions". And, in no such words, reduces sluts from human to "giant f-ing whore".

Now, I am by no means placing all this negativity and blame on Jenna Marbles. I mean, she can be super funny; her SVU video? Totally my life in a nutshell! Jenna isn't the only one who thinks this way. The fact that slut shaming and victim blaming are still prevalent says that society as a whole needs to be educated about these myths.

Being "promiscuous" is not asking to be raped.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for raping someone.
Viewing someone as "slutty" doesn't mean they deserved to be taken advantage of.

You could be walking down the street naked and that does not give anyone the right to rape you. 

People are raped around the world regardless of what they are wearing, regardless of how many people they've had sex with, regardless of how drunk they are. - Laci Green

Let me also say that RAPE IS NOT SEX. Rape is about power, control, and humiliation.

I'll just let you hear what Laci has to say about this because she really touches on everything I want to say.

LANGUAGE WARNING!

"Not doing what you're supposed to to be a 'good, respectable woman' does not mean that you lack self-respect. It does not make you stupid."

By considering someone a "slut" and saying that they should have expected to be raped, that they are no more than something to use and discard for your pleasure, you are reducing them to less than human. You are objectifying them. Sexual objectification directly contributes to rape culture.

Video blogger Chesca Leigh talked about her personal experience with slut shaming and rape. She also brings up a case in Texas in which an 11 year old girl was gang-raped by 20 men. When the NY Times printed an article about it, they focused a lot on how much makeup she wore and how sexily this young girl was dressed. This is sending the message that this situation occurred because of these factors.

TRIGGER WARNING!

"You could make tons of 'bad decisions', engage in risky behavior on a daily basis, and, if someone rapes you, it is the rapists fault, not yours."

By blaming the victim, we are contributing to the culture of victims not reporting because of feeling ashamed, afraid, and humiliated. 

 

Last week, I asked people on here and Twitter what they thought about "slut shaming" and asked them to share their experiences or opinions about this topic. Here are just a few sound-offs:

Miranda from Hurry Up and Wait: "I think people are too quick to label a woman as a 'slut'. I am a firm believer of freedom of expression, being who we are, and not having to hide it. If a woman is comfortable in their skin and want to show it off a little more than most, I say, more power to them...A woman who goes out to a club with some friends in a short dress is not asking to be a victim of sexual assault."

Hannah from This Lovely Moment: " ...slut shaming and victim blaming is never okay. I will admit I am not perfect and I do casually throw around the words 'slut' and 'whore', but it is something I am trying to work on. Just because someone's actions do not align completely with your viewpoints does not give you a right to shame them for it. Everyone has the right to make their own decisions. You have no right to put them down for it. As for blaming the victim of a sexual assault, that is never funny or right. I do not understand why people would do that. I would like to get more educated on these topics and learn how I can help women in situations like this."

One other thing I would like to say is that, so often, these issues are looked at as strictly "women's issues", even though men are most often the perpetrators. Which is baffling.

"The onus is absolutely on women. The onus in education is on women. To say, it is your responsibility to keep yourself from being raped. What do you have to do? You carry keys in your purse, you don't get into an elevator when there's somebody else in there, you make aggressive eye contact on the street, you don't make aggressive eye contact on the street. You name it; the list goes on. So it's their responsibility to not be raped and then, afterwards, it's their fault that they were. You think of a parent having a conversation with a child about sexual assault: we picture a mother with a daughter. Where is the father who says 'Son, intoxication is not an invitation to have sex with a woman.'?" - Peter Hermann

The best way to spread awareness on these issues is to talk about them. 3 in 4 parents have never talked to their kids about domestic violence or sexual assault. Preventing these issues starts with becoming informed about them. This is the only way to help end it. NO MORE is putting on It's Time To Talk Day today, Tuesday February 4th. I encourage you to participate. Whether it be through talking to your kids, classmates, friends, family, becoming educated, learning more about these issues: every little bit makes a difference. Start the conversation. NO MORE SILENCE.

Questions to get you started:

1. What is a relationship? What feelings do you think of when you think of a loving relationship?

2. Have you known someone who has been in an abusive or violent relationship? 

3. If you thought someone had been assaulted, raped, or abused, what could you do to help them?

4. If you find yourself in an uncomfortable or scary situation, what could you do/who could you turn to for help?

5. Why is it important to talk about domestic violence, sexual assault, and rape culture?

6. Have you heard someone use the word 'slut' to refer to another person? How did it make you feel?

7. What are your thoughts on gender inequality when it comes to sexual behavior? How can we improve this?
8. What can you do in your community to help those who have been affected by sexual assault, domestic violence, or child abuse? What can you do in your community to spread awareness about these issues?

"There must be those among whom we can sit down and weep and still be counted as warriors." - Adrienne Rich

I would love to hear your thoughts about these issues and really start a conversation. Leave a comment below or talk with me on Twitter (@breannamf). And if you have any questions, feel free to ask. I am by no means an expert on these issues, but I have begun to educate myself on them and would love to share what I have learned.

Various sources used in this post are:

Examing a Culture of Slut Shaming Among Youth 

Todd Akin on Abortion

Girl's Rape Result in Pregnancy, Reflects Big Problem

Laci Green

Jenna Marbles

Chesca Leigh 
The Survivor Manual

A Call to Men