June 7, 2009

...When my dreams come true

I haven't updated since May & I should have because...I don't know. I guess I just feel like something is changing. I feel like something great is in the works & has the potential to be amazing. And honestly, I'm kind of scared of this for the fear of being let down? Like, if this "something" doesn't live up to my expectations, I'll be disappointed. And, really, I don't handle disappointment very well. It makes me just want to give up, curl up in a ball, & resign my life over to failed attempts & disappointments. I don't want to be like this!

On the back of the postcard above, someone wrote "I turn 18 tomorrow & I could not be more excited for the rest of my life." I feel the same way, except I'm almost 21. Half of my "college life" is supposed to be over - I'm supposed to be sad about this! But instead, I'm beginning all over again with my college life & again, have four more years to get through. I'm a little nervous &, again, disappointed by this thought because everyone I am close to will be gone from my campus home & I'll have to open up these next few years & make really good friends with people younger than me whom I don't even know yet. I'm not very good about opening up to people. It's something I also wish I could change.

This postcard spoke to me in ways I really can't describe & don't fully know about. I feel distant from my peers & my generation. Like I was born at the wrong time. But maybe, if other people feel this way too, something can be done to change the direction of our society for the better. Maybe I'll be one of those people.

Speaking of change, I really want a change in this one area of my life (relationships). To begin this story, you'll need to know that there's this...thing? I guess you could call it that - with a guy from one of my classes from this past year. He & I get along so so well & I haven't really connected with anyone (other than my closest & dearest friends) like that in a long time. We always talked in class, we enjoy each others company, & have so much in common, it's unreal. He's amazingly (not a word, but stay with me) sweet, kind, smart, good looking, & someone who, in the past, I might not have said I "liked". But over the past few months, I haven't been able to get him off my mind. There was always an undeniable tension & awkwardness to our conversations, yet we were both completely comfortable with each other. Basically, everything I really need in someone that I could be in a relationship with. I'm too much of a wuss to make the first move & I just know that if I don't say something or do something, this opportunity is going to slip out of my hands & I really just can't let that happen.

This is the first time I've ever really felt this way about someone. It's hard to explain, but it's different than any "crush" I had in high school & junior high. I haven't felt this strongly about someone before. Which leads me to the main story...

The other night I had this dream. It was one of those where everything amazing & great is happening - things you could only dream would happen in real life. And in this dream, this boy texted me & said that he hasn't been able to stop thinking about me & he wishes he would have said something while we were still in class together. I reply back with something along the lines of saying I feel the same way & I've been waiting for something to happen. He says he wants to see where things go with us & I am grinning from ear to ear & so happy something's finally happening.

This dream felt so real that I really did think I had gotten a text or something from him when I woke up & I was happy! Then, after a few seconds, it finally occurred to me that it was a dream. Very disappointing! I really wish I was the type of girl who was more open & willing to e-mail this guy & say something like hey, I think you're really cool. We should hang out. HE STILL THINKS I'M TRANSFERRING! I just want to shout from the rooftops & hope he hears "I'm staying! You are one of the most amazing people I've met! I really like you! I want to get to know you more!"

It doesn't help that this is going to be his last year. He's graduating. Who knows if I will ever see him again? I feel like I'm letting an opportunity vanish & I'm not comfortable with this.

Sorry for my novel of a blog, but it feels really good to get this all out of me!

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